Remember college? It was that thing you did for a few months after high school. Remember now? Even if you didn’t go to college (in fact, you’re infinitely more suitable as a Growling Hamster customer if you didn’t even attend high school), you were probably jealous of those big, studly jocks oozing muscles and cheerleaders. Now, you can pretend you’re just like them. Get on the team without even trying out! Varsity Masturbation might not have bowl games, but you’ll never have a problem finding extracurricular activities. After purchase, you’ll have a new alma mater, Midwestern Polytechnic University, which holds the distinction of being one of the few accredited institutions of higher learning to maintain its original academic mission of “Amateur Pharmacology—it’s the highest form of learning.” MPU’s Fighting Blivets sports teams are always among the most competitive in the tough Malarial Valley Conference. Buy your way to athletic glory today, just like real alums!